If you have travelled by road before and reached your destination in one piece without the forces of nature embarrassing you…you don’t know what the Lord has done for you.
On my last trip back to Abuja, I saw something that was beyond my anus power and my metabolism capacity. When I boarded the bus at Calabar, everything was fine till the driver stopped in Enugu for us to eat.
When in transit, particularly for long distances, I am not a preacher of heavy meals or roadside food cooked with aggressive pepper, salt or too much maggi.
I have always heard that Enugu’s okpa is the best in the world. Since I was at the home of the delicacy, I bought two wraps of correct okpa wrapped with banana leaf that had egg for garnishing. The one they sell here in Abuja is a joke compared to this Oxford Okpa.
I wanted something light as supplement so I also bought coke, roasted snail, Abacha, popcorn, cashew nut, sesame seed mixed with groundnut, fried Titus fish and roasted yam.
I started with my blessed Okpa and washed it down with the coke and groundnut. I devoured the abacha next before I moved to the roasted yam and fried fish. My seatmate in the bus was looking at me like an alien but I didn’t just care.
After about 40 minutes, I was chewing the popcorn and cashew nuts when my tummy started rumbling like an earthquake was about to take place inside it.
It wasn’t easy but I was managing and trying to control my sitting position when my rebellious stomach planned with my anus to release one silent atomic bomb without my consent.
That my amebo neigbhour beside me was the first to squeeze her nose in disgust before she opened the window for fresh air to permeate the atmosphere. I was so embarrassed eheeeeeen and just muttered a regretful sorry under my nose without looking up.
After a while I started sweating like an Indian goat. I asked the driver to please stop for me to release the content in my stomach but he wasn’t answering me because he just stopped at Enugu not long ago.
When the bombs from my anus were getting too deadly for comfort, all the passengers in the bus had to beg the driver with me before he finally answered.
The driver stopped and I ran into the bush to help my life. I felt relieved a little bit but my stomach didn’t still have peace.
To cut the long story short, before I reached Abuja, I stopped to use the toilet about five times. They had to move me to the front seat so it could be easy for me to jump down and do my thing. The driver was just squeezing his nose in regret at the kinda shitty shitty passenger that he carried.
I got to Abuja around 11:45pm. I still rushed to use their toilet at the park in Jabi sef before I headed home.
The next day, I ended up throwing away the sesame seed and roasted snail. I just wasted my hard earned money to buy wahala and Flagyl for my rebellious stomach.